Character: a meta-analysis

In a book on how to do a myriad things well (the title of which I will remember the moment after this post goes live), there is a chapter on how to discern a person's character. The first step is to figure out what character means to you.

After thinking on it for a week, I decided that interweb research was in order. One of the definitions that helped me get thinking on the subject is: "The combination of qualities or features that distinguishes one person, group, or thing from another." Note 1: I've discovered that some define personality with the same terms hence this discussion will address both. Note 2: These qualities or features are addressed in dichotomy with the realization that very little is black and white. What follows is a list of qualities or features of character that come to mind quickly:

Honest/dishonest; ungracious/gracious; prompt/tardy; passionate/apathetic; engaged/distanced; altruistic/selfish; patient/impatient; laid-back/anxious; sympathetic/callous; logical/emotional; empathetic/self-centered; corrupt/honorable, pure; adventurous/cautious; liberal/conservative (although this dichotomy leaves room for many many incorrect conclusions as to someone's character); forthright/deceitful; forward/reticent; sexual/repressed...

But how do you discern a person's character? Perhaps I'm jaded, but it seems particularly easy with, for instance online dating, to misrepresent oneself. Have I found this to be true in reality? No. But the better question is, have I been paying attention?

A straight forward character trait to evaluate is "outdoorsy." It seems every man on Match who lives in Colorado says he loves the outdoors. I've found, with one clear exception, most of the men I've met are outdoorsy at least in the way that I am; they participate in weekend outdoor adventures year-round. But what about the less obvious characteristics -- qualities such as empathy, callousness, altruism, and deceitfulness? Beyond what is said in the profile, how does one get a sense of such things in a first, second, or even third meeting?

Perhaps evaluating a person's more obscure personality traits needs to be like doing online research. I start with the person as the topic and check the dating site for a basic idea about him, links to additional sources (rarely), and a jumping off point for formulating additional questions. Then exchanging emails helps to flush out some of the questions brought to mind by the profile. Finally, meeting in person can confirm or refute some opinions formed during the computer research phase. And, provides information about interpersonal chemistry that cannot be evaluated electronically. Now to figure out which characteristics are deal-breakers... *sigh* the quest for good relationships is never-ending.

"Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." - Abraham Lincoln